Musings from a Pastor, Educator, Wife, and Mother





Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Pastoral Care: Are You Caring For Your Pastor?

Let me preface this little post by first saying that my situation may be somewhat unique.  I don't know as this is my first call, but after three years I recognize that in a lot of ways I have it very easy.  I am so blessed in my ministry.  I have a very supportive family who understand the demands of my ministry.  Both of my parents are elders in the Presbyterian church and my father-in-law is a Methodist minister who has been an excellent mentor for me.  My husband has moved with little complaint from the role of PK (preacher's kid) to PS (preacher's spouse). I thank God each day that I married someone who already knew what they were getting into.  My congregation is very respectful of my personal time.  I rarely get calls on my day off and my vacation days have always been approved.  The only discussion that has ever been had about my vacation time centered around my request for them due to Hanson concerts, and even then it was all in good fun.  So you see, what I am about to say comes from a place of concern for my friends in ministry more that for myself. 

Here is the issue: I think there are some ministers who are made to feel guilty about the vacation time they are permitted in their terms of call.  I believe there are active and otherwise supportive church members out there who believe that pastors get entirely too much paid vacation and do not see the need for this self-care.  I also find, which absolutely blows my mind, that some people really do think that the pastor only works for a few hours on Sunday!  Finally, there are some ministers out there who take on the role of suffering servant so fully that they never make time for themselves. They are always finding work that needs to be done on their day of Sabbath rest. They never take all of their vacation time or continuing education because for some reason they have been made to feel that the church cannot survive without them! 

So the question: Are you, as a church member, caring for your pastor?  Are you encouraging them to practice self care?  If you are wondering why this is even an issue let us recall the greatest commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself.  Are pastors exempt from this?  I don't think so.  In order for us, as your minister to adequately care for you; to hold your hand when you are in pain, to teach you about the scriptures, to preach each Sunday, to attend ball games and pot lucks and conferences with your children, we need rest! We need to take time to refuel-- body, mind, and spirit. 

Because the truth is that being "on" 24/7 is exhausting.  We are in fact on call for you all the time. Yes, this is the life we have chosen (or was chosen for us, thanks God) and we typically embrace it.  But, please recognize the fact that there are not many jobs where one can be called to come home from vacation with their families to be of support to someone else.  We spend more time being seen in the community as pastor than we are ever seen as spouse, citizen, friend.  There are occasions when we find ourselves at church more evenings in the week than we do at home.  This is why we need those precious days off and why we need to be made to take them!  You can make it easier for your pastor to take off a Friday or Saturday by allowing them the space to do so.  And pastor friends, set a day and stick to it!  If for some reason you do not get to take your regular day off, take that time somewhere else during the week.  You are hurting yourself and your ministry if you don't.  

I have heard of congregations balking at the minimum requirements of vacation time for pastors.  In my terms of call I get four weeks of vacation and two weeks of continuing education.  This also includes 6 Sundays.  In my three years here I believe this will be the first year that I have actually taken all of this time.  It is in fact hard to get away.  Of course, if one has the mentality that we only work on Sundays, I can see how it would be hard to see the need for four weeks of vacation.  A word to the wise: members please don't scoff at us when we request two weeks of vacation to go and visit our family who we haven't seen in two years because they live half way across the country!  And please don't make us feel guilty for taking a Sunday off because our best friend is getting married and we actually don't have to officiate! In my own experience, when my weeks are crammed with meetings and writing sermons and lesson plans, the last thing I want to do on my day off is go anywhere to socialize with my friends or even talk on the phone, I just want to hibernate!  So, I need those intentional weeks of vacation to be with the people that I love, who know me as more than their minister.  And I also need time to do all of the things I don't have time for otherwise, like cleaning out closets and washing the car.   Our vacations give us an opportunity to be reminded of why we do what we do. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the work and lose sight of the vocation.  We cannot take care of you properly if we are overwhelmed by the minutiae of ministry. 

And pastor friends, hear me now: the time is in your terms of call so take it!  There is  no need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of  "too much to do" when it will likely still be there when you return!  For the average member, it might be difficult to understand the amount of stress that enters our lives during the seasons of Advent and Lent so 1) educate them 2) take time off when it is over.  I recognize that for associate ministers and folks in larger churches this will be difficult because everyone wants vacation time, but make sure that somehow around these liturgical seasons you get the rest you need.  

I think that something we all struggle with is how to be healthy. For many of us our days are spent mostly sitting behind a desk. While our brains are often well stretched, our bodies are not.  We all have to find ways to exercise that are the most helpful to us.  I have some #runrevrun friends but I am more of a #strollrevstroll type of person.  Go for walks during the day, join a gym, do some yoga in the morning, whatever it takes!  Conversely, some of us run around like chickens with our heads cut off all day long.  We go from one thing to another at church and then we go home to chase our kids around for hours before bed.  Relaxation and sleep are high on my priority list (sometimes too high :) ). And eating, goodness gracious how many days a week do we eat breakfast or lunch in the car driving from one visit to the next?  How often do we eat take out because it is so much easier and we are too tired to cook a healthy meal?  All I am saying is figure out a balance and for every cup of coffee  you guzzle, drink some water too.  Members, you can help us with this by inviting us out to lunch where there is a healthy selection of food, or bringing vegetables to pot luck dinners.  

So, to our members, who we care about, who we truly love to serve: how can you help us care for ourselves? Here are just a few ideas that I recommend.
1) Respect your pastor's day off.  If you don't know when it is, ask him or her.  Think about why you are calling, is it an emergency or something that can wait until Monday? 
2) Let us know that you recognize how hard we are working and encourage us to take vacation. Do you have a lake house, we'd love to stay there for a few days!  Do you have some frequent flyer miles going to waste, we can help!  Get tired of hearing our voices, tell us about an idea for guest ministers!  We love that. 
3) Consider paying for your pastor's gym membership or for exercise classes and give us the time to take advantage of them.  Some of us don't do these things because we feel like we don't have the time to engage.  Or we feel we shouldn't splurge on the extra cost.  
4)Remember that we are people too.  We like to read novels, watch sports, and get hooked on television shows just as much as the next person.  It wouldn't hurt to engage us in conversation about these things, or our other hobbies.  We appreciate being able to share these aspects of our lives from time to time, I think we need to do so.  
5) The golden rule goes a long way.  How do you want me to care for you?  Do you want me, as your pastor, to recognize that you won't be at the committee meeting because you are going out of town? Do you like sharing both your joys and your concerns with your pastor?  Great! Reciprocate! 

I've rambled on long enough and as usual, I have quite the list of things to do.  I will likely eat a can of soup while writing my sermon and talk myself out of exercising when I go home.  Let's make a pact, help me take care of me and I will help you take care of you.