What is the world inviting you to create right now?

I wasn't sure what the next question would be, or where it would come from.... and wouldn't you know, David Lamotte posed this question on Facebook, "What is the world inviting you to create right now?"  Oh, what an intriguing question!  God's been sending me lots of "winks" lately, as my friend Meagan would say.  I have to wonder, perhaps God has been winking at me liberally all along, I just didn't see it. 

I've talked a lot about it, but I do think the world is inviting me to create healthy habits right now.  To give an update to those who follow this blog, I have succeeded, two days in a row, to waking up before the rest of my household and spending time in devotion.  Turns out, my coffee pot will create the sweet nectar of the gods, the hot, brown, magic potion; before the sun rises.  Turns out, I can meditate without falling back to sleep!  It isn't perfect meditation, but it is an attempt--so all to the good. 

I have not succeeded in writing this blog, every day of lent, but close.  Sometimes the effort is just as satisfying as the achievement.  So, keep trying. 

And another thing I am called to create (I wouldn't necessarily say, "the world", I would say, "God" but you consider whatever works best for you); I think shaping authenticity is a big part of my life's work right now.  Living in ways that are authentically my own.  Adulting=hard.  Parenting=hard.  Ministry=hard.  I am human and I cannot have it ALL together ALL the time.  Admitting this to myself, and to others when I need to set boundaries or take rest; very important.  It all comes down to openness and awareness of self. 

Are you aware of your needs?  Are you watching for the winks?  What are you being called upon to create? 

How do you define love?

The scriptures tell us in 1st Corinthians 13: 

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;⁶it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. ⁷It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends." 

We had this scripture read at our wedding (many people do) so obviously I believe it.   But I also believe that love is messy. Incredibly messy.  

Love can be patient, but sometimes the patience runs out and actions that demonstrate love, no matter how difficult, must be taken. 

Love can be kind, but it can also feel like 1,000 needles stabbing you in the back if you don't recognize it, embrace it, or think it through.  

Love isn't envious--but the brokenness of our humanity tells us that we do in fact experience envy, even of those people we admire, or love.  Love often brings us to desire what others have thinking that is what is best--but we have to consider what is best for our own hearts. 

Love isn't boastful or arrogant, or rude.   Sure it is.  When you are in love with someone you want to shout it from the rooftops loudly enough to make the birds scatter on wide wings.  

Love may not be rude, but it can be tough. It can mean setting boundaries, standing firm, being adamant with expressions that may come across as unloving. 

Love doesn't insist on it's own way, but I would argue that expressing love for self and others means having an opinion.  Just because we love, doesn't mean we are weak or meek.  

Love is irritable.  Sorry, just is.  No one in this world can make me more irritable than my child and my spouse and they are still my whole heart.  

Love is not perfection--and the rejoicing in the truth means loving the whole person, imperfections and all.  Because we will fall, we will make mistakes, we will need grace.  Love is grace. 

I do believe that love bears, believes, hopes, and endures.  Because God is love and God has not failed me yet.  In my darkest hours, the sliver of light appears beyond the crack below the doors I thought were closed.  

But love is messy.  Every single day messy.  But we keep going, because love is also hope, and ultimately, we could not endure the brokenness without it.  

What used to make you happy when you were a kid?

I like this question, but I confess I do not have much energy for it today.  So, these might be bullet points....and maybe I will come back and explain them at length some other time, because who doesn't love revisiting fond memories?

- Some of my earliest memories are at Grandma Pearlie's house on Pocket Road in Hurt, Virginia.  My parents had to leave home for work very early so Dad would drop me off to stay or wait for the bus at Pearlie's right down the road from our house.  In the winter I would curl up by Pearlie's chair in her living room while she watched the morning news, I would lay between the old flowered chair and the heat vent that had a cover on it so the warm heat would blow right on me.   In the summer months I would go back to bed in Pearlie's room and when I woke up I would crawl into her lap in the rocking chair on the back porch until I was ready for breakfast.  I used to love to drink flat coke from the skinny orange cup she had for me. 

-Spending a week with my Grandma Becky and Papa during the summers in Salem was always fantastic.  I remember wading in the creek outside of their house, snapping beans and picking strawberries.  I also remember riding my bike in the driveway and walking the dog to Green Hill Park.  Mid-week Grandma would go to circle and quilt with her friends and I would run all over Green Hill Church of the Brethren where my Dad's family made up a good portion of the congregation. 

-On Sundays Mom would make us pancakes that looked like Mickey Mouse and Grilled Cheese sandwiches for lunch. 

-Dad would let me step on his foot and pretend to pump up his belly each time I pressed down on his toes.  Then if I poked his belly, he would let all the air out.   I also remember him jumping out from behind doors and scaring me pretty often. 

-Our Basset-hound Gertie would wrestle me for an old sock and pull so hard she could drag me and my red beanbag across the floor. 

-The cats, especially Claire, I remember, would chase a string across the porch with me for hours.... she would follow behind me even if I stopped actually pulling the string.

-As we got older weekends were for Whitney's house or mine.  We would use our imagination and play for hours on end.  During the week while we were both at our grandmother's houses we would sit and talk on the phone for hours at a time, even though we just saw each other at school. 

Just a few of the activities and moments that made me happy as a child, as you can see family has always been central. 

How do you structure your day?

How do I structure my day? With a cup of coffee in hand. 😏

As I said in an earlier post, I am very much a planner so I like to make lists and feel the satisfaction of checking things off.  It makes me feel more at peace in my life if I can be organized and methodical.  I am not certain this jives with the idea that I am also a creative type--but so be it. 

I've started to think of this not as a plan, but charting a map and navigating the day as I go. Not always a plan, but a routine.  I like very much to have routine and structure, but I am learning to be a bit more lose with the chunks of time in a day.  "Telling time" and keeping clocks is a human construct, so I am trying to learn how to make that work best for this human. 

The first order of business as I plan my day is to take care of myself first.  This is not something I have succeeded at in recent years.  I take it day by day.  But, my morning routine consists of brewing my coffee, loving on my waking child, eating breakfast, showering and getting dressed to greet the day no matter what is on the agenda.  I also try to read a bit in the morning, something for my soul health.  If I do not have the time for that (as with Sunday mornings) I listen to a podcast with the same purpose. 

After I take my kiddo to school, which is most days at present, I spend some time with God.  I know this is part of taking care of myself first.  It centers me and allows me time to sort through whatever is on my mind.  Sometimes I journal, sometimes I pray aloud, sometimes I meditate.  Sometimes I read scripture or another chapter from my current "soul book."  Once I take this time, whether its twenty minutes or an hour, then I can turn my attention to my tasks and lists. 

After that it is just one thing at a time.    Not overloading the mind with all the things is difficult.  I am learning and encouraging others to set reasonable, attainable goals for oneself.  I do strive to do the things that are harder to do with my son around while he is at school.  That way I am giving both my work and my son the most healthy attention that I can without being stressed about it.   When he is safely tucked away with teachers and friends who love him, and my husband is at work, I can retreat to my quiet office den and get to work. 

Here's another thing about planning my day.... another new thing I am trying to incorporate into the routine: regular movement breaks.  After about 30 minutes of focusing, I get up and move around.  I do some exercises or go for a short walk.  Being a pastor can be very sedentary,  it is a lot of reading, thinking, and writing (or sitting in meetings 😜). But, I have to remember that my physical health is just as important as my vocation and that I will serve that vocation better if I am healthy. 

My life becomes more fluid most afternoons.  As spring comes, we often stay after school at pick-up to play with friends on the playground.  I am appreciating the flexibility to do this--I can use the vitamin d and our only child can use the interaction with his peers.  Occasionally we will do other fun things or run errands after school. The lists and planning come into play if grocery shopping is to be done.  There is usually some element of productivity after lunch, but it might be more like doing laundry and reading a book for work while K plays, with the time punctuated by "mommy, I want a snack." 

Evenings are typically for family time, and preparing for the next day.  I'm learning to cook!  I have never had confidence in this arena but I am getting better at it.  What is more I am finding that it is a practice that makes me feel good as a wife and mother to prepare healthy meals for the family.  Usually the cooking happens a few nights a week and then we eat leftovers.  I pack lunch for Kemper most evenings and clean up the kitchen because having dishes in the sink bugs me. Often, I do some form of exercise after dinner.   We end up playing games, or bath time before books and bed. 

After Kemper goes to bed, Michael and I often spend time together.  We also enjoy the time to be alone and have some downtime to ourselves.  Often the cat cuddles up to me in the bed and I read a book for fun.  I tell you, in the evenings I often think there cannot be any woman more loved by the boys in her house than I am by my husband, my kid, and my cat.

I am trying to put the phone away and not engage in social media or screen time for at least an hour or two before bed.  This is tough as I like to be connected, but I am hoping it will be a practice that sticks.  I want to model that for my son, and I also want to be sure I am keeping healthy sleeping patterns.  I like sleep.  I used to sleep in all the time, but being a mom has forced me to be a morning person.  Hence, the love of coffee.  So, I try to get eight hours a night, but sometimes I wake up with my mind going, we all know how that is.  These nights are fewer and farther between however, as I continue to practice healthy habits and incorporate them into my day. 

Saturdays are for family and fun.  We might clean the house or run errands, but we also strive to just enjoy relaxing and being together.  I don't set many plans for Saturdays, the occasional haircut or play date.  We might go out for lunch or dinner, or Michael might cook since he likes to do that when he can.  

Sundays.  Well Sundays are always a lot for a pastor, no matter where or how you are serving.  In fact, even if you are not serving on a Sunday, it is still the central day of the week.  There is a different awareness, at least for me.  Right now, on Sunday mornings I lead worship and preach the Word and I love it.  It is a treasure and a gift I do not take lightly.  Sunday afternoons are for rest.  I won't say we get naps anymore, but sometimes.  But it is usually a lot of playing outside if the weather is nice or just snuggling on the couch, toys spread all over the living room like a bomb went off.  

Believe me when I say it has taken a lot of years and some pretty challenging times to get me to this place of health, happiness, and gratitude.  All you can do is try your best each day.  God's promises are new every morning.  And at the end of the day, give thanks for what you have done and trust that tomorrow is a new day for all that was left undone. 

What is your favorite movie and why?

My favorite movie all time is The Birdcage, starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane.  Oh my gosh, it is hilarious! I can probably quote half of the movie at this point.  Like watching the re-runs of Friends, it never gets old for me. 

My deep affection for this film is something I share with my mother.  We even had a cat for many years named after one of the characters, Aggador Spartacus. 

The premise of the story, which is based on a French film, is that two gay men, Armand and Albert own a night club in South Beach called The Birdcage, where Albert's show of "Starina" is the main attraction.   Armand has a young adult son, Val, from a relationship in his youth, and Val comes home to visit and tell his pops he is getting married.  His beautiful bride, played by Calista Flockhart, is sweet and charming.  But, her father, played by Gene Hackman, is a conservative senator who would not approve of Armand and Albert's relationship, nor the fact that Armand is Jewish. 

When Barbara and her family come to South Beach to meet the family, Armand hatches a plan to "play it straight" and hilarity ensures. 

What I love about this story is more than the fact that the acting is superb and I laugh until I cry.  The message at the core of the story is to be faithful to who you were created to be.  Armand, in trying to do anything he can for his son (as any parent wishes to do) to make him happy, sacrifices his true nature, and that of his partner, Albert.  It is a lesson in embracing your true self and being proud of your history, your life, and the people you love.  It is also a good lesson for families who are coming together in marriage-- this will be your extended family now; why would you want to fake that relationship for the rest of your lives!?  Finally, it teaches a genuine truth about the nature of judgment.  Throughout the story, the senator has to come face to face with his judgments of others and the hypocrisy that is so often found among politicians.  He comes to find that some things are more important than the political slant, the newspaper headlines.  He comes to understand love and family in a deeper way. 

What is your super power?

What is my super power... well that I am uniquely me....what a cop out right?  A super power I have might be resilience. I am not entirely certain if that counts, but as most people have, I've withstood a lot of peaks and valleys in my life.  All of our experiences in life make up who we are and inform our lives both consciously and subconsciously.  This is why I like the say, "you cannot judge my life by the chapter you walked in on." Most people encounter others for a phase of life, but our lives are not created in a vacuum, and the history we have been through shape where we are at present, and our present informs the future.  

I believe that even the knowledge of my birth story, being born six weeks early--has shaped my self-image for much of my life.  Because I have always been little, but loud. As a kid I always treasured friendships, because I was an only child. I grew up being imaginative and inviting others into the games and stories I created. My parents both went back to school when I was a little girl so I was shown more than told that education was important.  I've always felt like I was born into my wonderful family and given special gifts for words, stories, and writing--because God's work in the world ordained it to be so.  

If I hadn't been fortunate enough to go to preschool and have parents to read to me, I may not have been in the Gifted program in elementary school.  If my parents didn't show me how special school was I may not have liked it.  If I wasn't an only child, maybe I wouldn't see the value of true friendships so clearly.    If we hadn't moved to a new town when I was a pre-teen, I may not have gone to church and been baptized in the Presbyterian Church.  If I hadn't had an amazing youth group I may not have considered ministry. If I hadn't been exposed to storytelling, I may not have explored writing, since I loved to read. If I had not started writing, I may not have been inspired to go to Hollins University. If I hadn't attended Hollins, I would not have met my spouse.  If I had not met my spouse, we would not have this beautiful, charming, son.  If I hadn't gone to seminary in Richmond,  I may not have served the two churches I have thus far.  And if I had not moved to Roanoke I may not have the opportunities that are now rising on the horizon for me.   

There are definite shadowy valleys below all of the peaks I've described, but each of them has made me stronger. Whether it was a move, or a loss, an accident, or an illness, a stress or a failure-- each of them has shaped my resilience and more importantly my absolute knowledge of the need for God's unmerited grace.   

Maybe instead of worrying about our own super powers, fun as that question can be, we should be thinking about God, in whom we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)

The Last Supper Question

I've been listening to Shauna Niequist's podcast recently and this is a question she asks every guest she interviews:

If you knew it was going to be your last supper; where would you be, who would be with you around the table, and what would you eat?

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now.  It is a really tough question. 

I think the meal would be held at Montreat, somewhere outdoors. I would love to hear the echo of conversations and laughter bouncing off of the stone walls.  Of all the places I have been in my life, it is still my favorite place on earth. It is the most thin place where I feel the Spirit's presence all around me.   Maybe after eating there would be time for everyone to go rock-hopping or hike Lookout.

Who would be with me at this meal?  Well, my immediate family of course, Michael my beloved and our son, the most amazing gift.  My parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law and brother-in law.  Our extended family--aunts, uncles, and cousins who are so dear to us.  My best friend of umpteen (read almost 30!!!) years, Whitney and her parents.  My Hollins sisters, my treasures--the women who have inspired me and lifted me up every single day since I met them, and their children and spouses, "the Hollins Husbands".  My "hanily", the girls who have become another tribe in adulthood, just because we met on the sidewalk before a Hanson show.  Speaking of, if this is my dream--Hanson can totally be at dinner too (haha!).  My seminary friends, especially Crystal and her family, and Jeremy.  Two people who have mentored and supported me in some of my most difficult days.  And others too, all those who have shared in this crazy journey of ministry.  My BPC family, who raised me in the faith (too many to name, my heavens.) And the phenomenal women I worked with at Saxon Shoes, who were family to me when I lived in Richmond. 

So you see, it isn't really a meal--I think it would have to be a festival!  I wouldn't want it to be like a wedding where the bride and groom don't really get to visit with anyone who attend.  I would want to have precious moments with every person there.  And I would want them to enjoy each other too. 

What would we eat?  I think this is actually the hardest part of the question.... My Hollins heart says, "Fried Chicken and Tinker Cake, and Mac & Cheese (obviously)."  My Montreat heart says, "My Father's Pizza and Huckleberry Ice Cream."  The Tate in me says, "Grandma Becky's Turkey, Gravy, and Dressing with Grandma Pearlie's white double layer cake for dessert" and the Mitchell which has been part of my identity for so long now says, "We absolutely must have Debbie's Lemon Squares.  And why wait for dessert, eat them first!"  And, since I've been a baby I've loved Spaghetti, so a heaping platter of that would be delicious too.  Or.....or.... P.F. Chang's Lettuce Wraps.   

So, a festival with a crazy buffet.  Yep, sounds good!