How hard/easy is it for you to express your feelings?

Somewhere in my adulthood I think it became difficult for me to express my feelings.  I think this is because as we get older our experiences and our responses to those experiences become more complex.  It happens over time, I think without us necessarily recognizing the shift if we do not slow down enough to pay attention to it in a practiced, intentional way.  And who has time for that, right?

When I was an adolescent and a young adult I spent more time reflecting on what I was thinking and feeling and my outlet for those revelations was through writing. Graduate school, ministry, marriage, and having a child all kept me so engaged that I convinced myself that I didn't have time to reflect so that I could express my feelings in healthy ways.  The more complex the situations or the emotions became, the less I had time for them. 

I found myself believing that it was easier to deal with other peoples' difficulties, expressions, emotions.  That I was trained to do.  But to look at myself?  To discover less than complete competency, less than great achievement, less than happy, less than healthy, less than anything....no, I had to shut that down and keep going.

 Because to keep going meant that I could stay the course (whatever it was), it meant that eventually the ship would right itself because of my competent steering! I lost sight of the importance of reading the stars and testing the wind.  I did not want to take the time to discern my navigation.  And what is more, I believed that I had to be the captain of the ship, and I had to set the course, navigate, and man the wheel myself!  Because, if you are doing it all yourself, you don't have to face the feelings, or wrestle with, or compromise with anyone else in the crew either. 

So, there you have it.  For all of my pastoral care training, for all of my conflict management training, for all of my time in Clinical Pastoral Education, I still struggle with expressing my feelings.   I think that as a pastor, we unfortunately have so much pressure and expectation pressed upon us, that sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that what is perceived of our vocation has to be who and what we are.  Wow.  We all fall short of the glory of God, do we not?  At any rate, it is hard for me to admit that truth, to let it go, to not hide behind those expectations--whether placed upon me like a cloak by others, or self-imposed.

What I am learning, in this great time of self-care and reflection in my life, is that time for mindfulness and self-awareness is key to a healthy life, for any person--no matter their experience.  It doesn't matter if you're a stay at home mom, or a banker, a teacher, or an IT professional.  You could be a missionary or a nurse, a lawyer or a dad who works from his home office.  You could be a retired grandparent or a college student--no matter.  Spend time in reflection.  Spend time in meditation, or prayer; read sacred writings or thought provoking materials that connect for you.  Write it down, keep a journal, ask yourself the tough questions.  It can open your heart and mind to what you are thinking and feeling so that you can express yourself in healthier ways.  It is a faithful practice not only for yourself, but for the people around you.